Television needs more advertising. Specifically, there just aren’t enough pop-up ads invading my screen. My world would be a better place if there were more logos, animated figures, and flashing ads to distract me from whatever trainwreck reality show I’m engrossed in at any given moment.
Multi-tasking is my life, and I don’t have nearly enough sensory overload to keep me in check. So what if my entertainment gets invaded just a little bit?
I don’t really need to focus on that how-to project on HGTV, because I need to know now what is coming on next. Or tomorrow. Or next week. I don’t really need to know who just punched whom on The Bad Girls Club. And if I’m watching Titanic for the 90th time, I already know Jack’s going underwater, so that animated guy dancing in the bottom corner pointing at Jack as he meets his demise is completely acceptable.
I will, however, need to be able to read the subtitles as I watch Here Comes Honey Boo Boo, so TLC, please take note.
As I watch the Real Housewives, there is currently a network logo in the lower right corner occupying a mere 15% of the screen. There’s another ad running across the bottom with 3 animated women, advertising a new show I will now be determined not to watch. And simultaneously, some other ad or logo popped into the upper left corner.
I’m perfectly capable of watching Ramona telling Heather off with Pinot in hand as I absorb all the subliminal messages being thrust at me as I do so.
I say give me more. I mean, between the volume of paid commercials that run and the massive cable bill that I pay every month, I can’t possibly be contributing my fair share toward the costs of programming.
I estimate that there’s a good 30% of the viewing screen left to abuse, and it’s a travesty that it’s being wasted. Maybe a banner ad across the time telling me when this show’s going to air again, since I didn’t get the full effect this time. Perhaps a ticker tape at the bottom with the current weather conditions and stock market data. Get creative guys, and just force the reality TV stars to wear network logos on their clothing. They could walk past billboards advertising your complete programming schedule. They could be drinking their wine from glasses with a Bravo logo. Honey Boo Boo could expose her belly to show a henna TLC tattoo.
Or you could take some cues from the world of internet advertising and zone in on me personally, displaying ads about that woman who lives in my city who has figured out how to banish wrinkles. Or my favorite ever-present ad that promises to reveal the secret of getting rid of belly bulge.
Then maybe at the end of the show, just as I’m turning the TV set off, you could have a big red NetFlix ad lurking in the background that I’ll have to exit out of. This would completely cap off my viewing pleasure.
A protest may be in order, and I’ll need some signs. Lots of them, just to make sure I get my message across.