Ask The Google Bitch: Why do Facebook Friends Not Speak to You in Public?

Better late than never.  The Google Bitch promised a weekly column, but has never been known for her punctuality.  Furthermore, this site owner seems to be rather busy lately and can’t seem to find time to publish a simple post.  Regardless, welcome to the 2nd column in the Ask The Google Bitch series.  If you’re new here and are wondering what this is all about, please refer to her previous column All Your Pantyhose Questions Answered.

And let it be said that this bitch is happy to be able to help all those poor people being forced to wear pantyhose.  This travesty must end.

Yet it’s time to move on to another cause.

The new sanitized question of the week is “Why does someone want to be your Facebook friend when they won’t speak to you in public?”

There were many variations of this question, but the theme is the same.  Web searchers continue to ponder the concept of the Facebook friend as they try to relate the web ”friendship” to the concept of the friend they’ve come to know and love in the fading world known as reality.

The short answer is….you can’t.  The word “friend” is being used a little loosely when it comes to social media.  The definition of the term has, in fact, been broadened in the modern definition.  Dictionary.com provides the following clarity:

Friend (frend) (noun):  1) A person attached to another by feelings of affection or personal regard.  2) A person who gives assistance;  a patron;  a supporter.  3)  A person who is on good terms with another; a person who is not hostile.  4) A person who is a member of the same nation, party, etc.  5) A member of the Religious Society of Friends;  a Quaker.

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Ask The Google Bitch: All Your Pantyhose Questions Answered!

It is my honor to introduce to you a new weekly column…a column where your every Google search is analyzed, poked fun of, and eventually answered…in a bitchy kind of way.  Welcome to the first post of the new regular series, ”Ask The Google Bitch”.

So what exactly is a Google Bitch? you may ask.  Well, I’ve deemed her a lady of snark, wit, and yes, a little bit of bitchiness.  She’s the lady that web searchers may eventually come to count on  as she responds to those who type actual questions into their search engines as if it’s a Magic 8 ball, and hope to find the answers they’re seeking.

And somehow those searchers have landed here.

Now in case you’re wondering if the term “Google Bitch” is a product of my own mind, it is.  However, I also find that it’s in Urban Dictionary, because, well, apparently great minds tend to think alike and I do get an urban streak every once in a while.  While I regret not having patented my new buzzword, I’m relieved to find out that it’s pretty much what I intended it to be, so I’ll let the propriety thing go.  Per Urban Dictionary, a Google Bitch is:

1) A researcher of the lowest order.  A person who uses google to accomplish most of their daily work, often a task performed for someone too busy, important, or ignorant to run a google search themselves.

2) A person who is dependent on Google’s ever-growing brand and popularity.  “You’re a Google Bitch when Google straight up owns you, man.”

3) What you become when a friend/family member/co-worker calls you from the road and they don’t have internet access, and they want you to look something up for them. Example:  “What do I look like…your Google Bitch?”

How can I send my problems to her? you may also ask.  Well, you can’t.  She only responds indirectly to those inquisitive souls who took the time to Google their problem and somehow landed here.

But enough of the intro.  Without further adieu, please extend a warm welcome to my alter-ego, Google Bitch, as she taps into unanswered questions, meant to serve those lost souls who arrive here by accident, thus exaggerating this blogger’s  title of expertise in said subject, and conquering the universe that is the world-wide web that we know and love, all the while increasing my blog stats.

Warning:  Google Bitch talks in 3rd person.  She also curses like a sailor at times.  You’ll have to get used to that, but I’ll talk to her about it.

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