Ask The Google Bitch: What to do if your boss finds out you’ve been job hunting

Posted on June 13, 2012 by SzaboInSlowMo

If you’re not familiar with how this column works, here’s a quick introduction:

The Google Bitch is a lady of snark, wit, and yes, a little bit of bitchiness. She’s the lady that web searchers may eventually come to count on as she responds to those who type actual questions into their search engines as if it’s a Magic 8 ball, hoping to find the answers they’re seeking.

And somehow those searchers have landed here.

Not one to miss an opportunity, this bitch responds to such questions, thus increasing her Google-perceived level of expertise in said subject and hopefully moving this site up the Google page rankings. Brilliant, huh? This bitch thinks so.

Now on to the question du jour…

My boss found out I’ve been job hunting.

An interesting dilemma.

Venturing a guess, Google Bitch assumes that 1) either a prospective employer has called your current employer for a job reference, 2) you’ve been spotted arriving at or exiting an actual job interview, 3) you were overheard in the hallway on a phone interview 4) you printed your resume copies on the public printer and the rumors are buzzing, or 5) you asked someone to be a job reference for you only to find out that they start their new position next week…as your new boss.

Regardless of how you’ve been discovered, there’s not much you can do about that now. The word is out, and your boss now knows you are unhappy with your current employment. And in spite of all the salary increases, incentive bonuses, 401K matches, pension plans, vacation time, group lunches, happy hours, free doughnuts, promotional pens, letter openers and stress balls (or lack thereof) you’ve received to date, you have decided you’d prefer to work elsewhere.

You ungrateful schmuck.

Ok, so it happens. So now what do you do? The bigger question that begs an answer is Do you have a job offer on the table? For it is the answer to this question that will lead you to your own solution.

So what if I’ve already been offered a job?

If you have secured a good job offer, you have no problems. You are in a perfect negotiating position. And if your boss can’t get past the fact that you played the corporate field, and is pretty peeved about it, then perhaps that new job may be just what the disgruntled employee ordered.

So I’m stuck here forever.

But if you’re finding that the only place for you on that playing field is in the stands as a spectator, things could get sticky. And I’m not talking about the boiled peanut juice that’s all over your hands. [Sorry, Google Bitch is from the South, and boiled peanuts are our "thing", bless this digressing bitch's little heart.]

Now at this point, you can simply cease and desist on the job search, work like a happy cube farm worker, and wait for the pissed-offedness to wear off. No action required here other than the occasional whistle while you work.

Continue reading →

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Don’t Go To Work Unless It’s Fun

Posted on April 2, 2012 by SzaboInSlowMo

April 3rd marks “Don’t Go To Work Unless It’s Fun” day.

I promise I didn’t make that up. But while I can find nothing on how this holiday originated, let’s just say that since it’s on many of the national holiday calendars across the web, it’s official in my book.

As I see it, this holiday leaves us with two options. Option #1 is to have fun at work.

Now be warned that I’m not recommending you to follow all my suggestions. Throwing such caution to the wind could result in a reprimand, alienation of co-workers, a tarnished professional image, and worse yet, getting fired.

You know I’ve got a disclaimer for everything.

But here are some things you can do to celebrate this day…if you just don’t care about all that. Maybe you’ve won your fair share of a half-billion dollars in the lottery or something recently. Yeah, I’m talking to those 3 people.

Dress appropriately for the occasion. A Hawaiian shirt, complete with a lei, flip-flops, a Panama hat, and Bermudas are in order. If casual dress is prohibited, go a different route and wear your professional clothes, but make sure nothing at all matches.
If someone brings in doughnuts, take them all to your desk. When the email comes out that there are doughnuts in the break room, try not to giggle as co-workers go from confused to agitated.
Race people to the elevator and sing”Nah, nah, nah, nah, nah” as you let the door close on them.
Decorate your cube. No doors? No problem. Bring in a shower curtain rod and hang your craziest shower curtain. Love beads would also provide a playful ambience. Continue reading →

The Most Annoying Corporate Buzzwords Ever

Posted on July 19, 2011 by SzaboInSlowMo

The longer I spend in the IT corporate world, the longer the list gets. You know what I’m talking about - that fancy talk used by management to impress, to inspire, to make the most mundane projects seem cutting-edge. The annoying catch-phrases that are peppered into every meeting, email, and motivational speech. Those words that make us throw up just a little bit in our mouth each and every time we hear them.

I know I’m not alone. Years ago, there was a game called Buzzword Bingo. It started with Bingo cards filled with the most over-used corporate phrases that were clandestinely distributed to some of the meeting attendees (not all, of course). Each person would then check off the appropriate square as they were used during the meeting and the first to check off the card wins. I’m not sure if it was to end with someone shouting “Bingo”, but if it did, then the card probably should have included the term “pink slip”, or maybe “lay-offs”, “cutbacks”, “downsizing” or even “rightsizing”.

I was never brave enough to initiate or even play in those fun-sounding games, but here in the privacy of my own blog with my few little readers, am now cutting loose. I’ve put together a list of all the corporate buzzwords and phrases that need to be abolished. Yes, I’m sure new phrases will always be introduced by some corporate kiss-up brown-noser and they will catch on faster than a wormblaster virus, but for now I’d be satisfied if these words below were never again spoken: