Category Archives: Pop Culture

The Cell Phone Zombies Are Taking Over

Posted on by
26

Cell Phone ZoneThere is a sixth dimension beyond that which is comprehended by man. It is a dimension as vast as space yet as limited as one’s physical surroundings. A dimension not only of sight and sound, but of addiction, preoccupation, and mind control. It is the middle ground between reality and pseudo-interaction with global beings, between the world that man lives in and the virtual world in which man desires to exist. And it lies between the summit of his knowledge and the armpit of his limitations brought about by a cellular signal and data usage limits. You’re moving into a land of both substances and shadow, of physicality and vacuity. You’ve just crossed over into…the Cell Phone Zone.

It’s true.  The zombies have taken over.  It happened while we were texting, reading Facebook statuses, checking emails, playing with Friends.

These are all former souls who used to engage in the here-and-now.  They used to tell jokes (verbally).  They used to laugh.  They used to interact.  They used to focus on where they were going.

Yet now, they’re all seemingly distracted, by whatever lurks on the other side of that cellular device.  They drive (or attempt to drive) while talking, texting, googling a nearby restaurant, pinning random stuff, or posting photos on Instagram.

They can be easily spotted if you look around.  It’s the erratic driver in front of you that just went up on the curb.  It’s the guy going 45 miles on the freeway.  It’s the Chatty Cathy who just blatantly pulled out in front you, all the while laughing into her phone.  You can only imagine that she’s telling the also unfocused recipient on the other end how she almost just caused a 5-car pileup.

At one time, you might have assumed you were witnessing a drunk driver.  But now, it’s hard to tell the difference between the two.  I’m not sure which is worse.

In my own little experiment this week, I decided to count how many drivers were on cell phones this week as I headed home from work.  Note that I was a passenger and not doing this little experiment while driving.  Here in South Carolina, where it’s still legal to use a handheld device while driving, 8 out of 10 drivers were yakking.  Amazing.

Continue reading →

About these ads

Getting to the Bottom of “The Sexiest Man Alive” Award (2012)

Posted on by
25

People Magazine has named him 2012′s Sexiest Man Alive.  And because I believe it’s important to keep you all up to date on current events, I present you Channing Tatum in all his splendor.

The real truth is that I really just wanted this image of Channing Tatum on my front page for a while.

I know what you’re thinking.  Hey blogger, Channing’s 32 and, well, you’re not.  By the way, aren’t you married with daughters?  What kind of example are you setting for them, you cougar, you?  Refer back to Cougars, Jaguars, Bobcats…Oh My!  I’ve already covered that subject, thank you.

But since you reminded me, let me post one of those magical images here too.

I wholeheartedly agree with the voters of People Magazine.  Channing is well-deserving, particularly when he’s out on that dance floor.  He’s hunky, seems like a nice guy, can act, and then there’s that dancing thing again.

But I do have a point here.  It’s the award itself.

Every year, People Magazine names a new Sexiest Man Alive.  This raises some questions for me.

Continue reading →

Can we get some more advertising on our TV screens, please?

Posted on by
25

Television needs more advertising.  Specifically, there just aren’t enough pop-up ads invading my screen.  My world would be a better place if there were more logos, animated figures, and flashing ads to distract me from whatever trainwreck reality show I’m engrossed in at any given moment.

Multi-tasking is my life, and I don’t have nearly enough sensory overload to keep me in check.  So what if my entertainment gets invaded just a little bit?

I don’t really need to focus on that how-to project on HGTV, because I need to know now what is coming on next.  Or tomorrow.  Or next week.  I don’t really need to know who just punched whom on The Bad Girls Club. And if I’m watching Titanic for the 90th time, I already know Jack’s going underwater, so that animated guy dancing in the bottom corner pointing at Jack as he meets his demise is completely acceptable.

I will, however, need to be able to read the subtitles as I watch Here Comes Honey Boo Boo, so TLC, please take note.

As I watch the Real Housewives, there is currently a network logo in the lower right corner occupying a mere 15% of the screen.  There’s another ad running across the bottom with 3 animated women, advertising a new show I will now be determined not to watch.  And simultaneously, some other ad or logo popped into the upper left corner.

I’m perfectly capable of watching Ramona telling Heather off with Pinot in hand as I absorb all the subliminal messages being thrust at me as I do so.

I say give me more.  I mean, between the volume of paid commercials that run and the massive cable bill that I pay every month, I can’t possibly be contributing my fair share toward the costs of programming.

I estimate that there’s a good 30% of the viewing screen left to abuse, and it’s a travesty that it’s being wasted.  Maybe a banner ad across the time telling me when this show’s going to air again, since I didn’t get the full effect this time.  Perhaps a ticker tape at the bottom with the current weather conditions and stock market data. Get creative guys, and just force the reality TV stars to wear network logos on their clothing.  They could walk past billboards advertising your complete programming schedule.  They could be drinking their wine from glasses with a Bravo logo.  Honey Boo Boo could expose her belly to show a henna TLC tattoo.

Or you could take some cues from the world of internet advertising and zone in on me personally, displaying ads about that woman who lives in my city who has figured out how to banish wrinkles.  Or my favorite ever-present ad that promises to reveal the secret of getting rid of belly bulge.

Then maybe at the end of the show, just as I’m turning the TV set off, you could have a big red NetFlix ad lurking in the background that I’ll have to exit out of.  This would completely cap off my viewing pleasure.

A protest may be in order, and I’ll need some signs.  Lots of them, just to make sure I get my message across.

Things Charlie Sheen Might Say as a Judge on American Idol

Posted on by
24

As news has spread that Steven Tyler is exiting American Idol, rumor has it that Charlie Sheen is in the running for a job as his replacement.  Where did this crazy rumor originate?

From the mouth of executive producer Nigel Lythgoe, himself.

Yes, Lythgoe told TMZ that he’d like to see Sheen and comedian Jerry Lewis on the panel next season.  I think we can all safely presume that Mr. Lythgoe is joking.  All of us, with the exception of Charlie Sheen himself, who seems to be taking it quite seriously.  Charlie has told TMZ the conditions of him accepting the “judicial” position.  Per Charlie, he just needs sign-off from the producers of his new FX serious “Anger Management” and a lot of dough.  Per Charlie:

If the numbers move the needle and ‘Idol’ matches 20% of my weekly salary for Autism Speaks, JDRF, and the Boys and Girls Club…then the hell with it.  As we say, pour the smoke.

Charlie Sheen remains as eloquent as always.  And this gets me to thinking…joke or no joke, what the hell could Charlie Sheen bring to the table as a judge for American Idol?  Let’s do some analysis.

Not being aware of any musical knowledge, experience, or any ability to pick out musical talent, I can only assume that the producers might want Crazy Charlie as a judge just to shake things up a bit.  To boost ratings.  To pique interest.  To talk wide-ass-open crazy talk.  Crazy talk that can only come from the mouth of Charlie Sheen.

I’ve had some of Charlie’s Tiger Juice and have come up with some common American Idol scenario’s, along with the type of comments that our beloved Charlie may spew out at the judge’s table.   All would-be quotes below are the figment of my own Charlie’s-in-my-head imagination, yet they’re all based off of quotes from the past. To be clear, they are not real (in case you missed my “subtle” disclaimer).  Here goes nothing:

1. On a media interview on why he’s on the judge’s panel at all -  “This show needs to be renamed the Charlie Idol show.  ‘Cause that’s what I am and I am the star.  The other judges are trolls.  They’re not on the drug I call the Charlie Sheen drug.  If they had tried it, they would be dead now.  Their faces would have melted off and the wannabe idols would then weep over their exploded bodies.  Just remember, I’m the only winner here.  Just me.  I win here…I win there…I win everywhere.  I’ve brought this show a tsunami of media and I will ride it on my mercury surfboard all the way to its death and cancellation.  And I will deploy my ordinance to the ground and will then pour Tiger Juice on its tombstone. “ 

2.  His first words on the premiere after being introduced by Ryan Seacrest  - “There’s a new sheriff in town.  He has an army of assassins.  He also has a 10,000 year-old brain and the boogers of a 7-year old.”

Continue reading →

Cougars, Jaguars, Bobcats…Oh My!

Posted on by
16

As I tried to stay cool this past weekend, I found myself watching Magic Mike in the theater and doing anything but escaping the heat.  A theater jammed full of women watching hot shirtless guys on the big screen was the last place to go to avoid perspiring.

I went with my 18-year old daughter, who was eager to see Channing Tatum and Alex Pettyfer.  I went to see Matthew McConaughey.  I realize that rumor has it that he shuns deodorant, but that’s okay.  I can’t smell him on the screen, and I do enjoy listening to that Texas drawl, as the perpetually-shirtless man with the 6-pack abs acts.

Let me just stop you now if you landed here expecting a movie review.  You’re not going to get one from me.  Hell, I’m still not even sure what the movie was about.  I recall many strip scenes, dirty dancing, abs of steel, and ripped muscles.  If there was a plot, I missed it.  And seriously, does it even matter what that movie was about, ladies?  Plots are so over-rated.

On a side note, too bad for Steven Soderbergh that the movie critics seem to all be male.  But we ladies forgive you, Steven, because you bring us the goods with the eye candy.  Keep it up.  And wildly assuming I have your attention, may I ask when Ocean’s 14 is coming out?  I’ve been waiting a while now.

But back to my point, if there even is one.  For like Soderbergh, I know that eye candy brings traffic, so perhaps any point I might make would be moot.  You can just sit here a while and stare at the stud muffins if you like.  My apologies to those who might not appreciate the hunks in these images.  Just scroll on down.

I expected a lot of whoopin’ and hollerin’ in this audience.  The gaggles of talkative women entering the theater (late, yakking on cell phones) was a sign that I was going to get peeved watching this movie.  Yet this audience was pretty silent throughout the movie, which I found amusing.

As I looked around, I saw a variety of ages, from teenagers to grandmas, but this audience was primarily middle-aged women.  With the exception of that one poor man who came with his wife, bless his heart.  Oh, and then there was the woman who came in with an oxygen tank.  I promise that I did not make that up.

Now I only raise the age issue to make my point.

Because I found that McConaughey was not the hunky star in this movie.  Sure, he’s in awesome shape, and he’s hilarious, but his character is a little sleazy, since he’s the manager of the strip club.  Just note the workout attire below.

So I was quite surprised at myself for finding my focus on the younger studs in this flick.  And when the movie was over, I felt a little shame, sprinkled with some guilt, and a little dirtiness on the side.  Sitting next to an 18-year old (MY 18-year old) makes ME feel a little sleazier than McConaughey’s character.

Continue reading →

The Maniacal Thoughts of an Insomniac

Posted on by
23

I’ve barely slept this week.  An admitted night owl, sleep tends to take a back burner when there’s a lot going on.  I know that sleep is something I need more of, from an energy standpoint, but whoever coined the term “beauty sleep” was on to something. I’ll refrain from including a picture of myself with dreaded bags under my eyes.

But there are times when your sleep patterns seem to be out of your control.  That’s how it seemed for me this week.

Monday:  I’ve started hitting the gym hard again.  This means I’m in constant pain.  And since all good diets start on Mondays, I ate half of what I normally might and burned as many calories as my out-of-shape body would allow.  My armband that tracks my calorie burn tells me that I burned 660 calories in my workout.  My knees think I burned twice that.  And the sick irony of this is that the more I seem to work out, the hungrier I seem to be.

But you’d think I would have slept well after such exertion.  Instead it had an adverse effect as I found myself hypnotized by late night television and instead of dreamland, I was analyzing old sitcoms on TV Land.

As anyone who’s ever had a bout of insomnia knows, the evil alarm clock will taunt you endlessly.  With every flipping minute, the stress level builds and the possibility of sleep seems even more remote.  Minutes, hours, the dreaded PM to AM flip.  You know you have work in the morning, and you know tomorrow will suck a big one.  You toss, you turn, you get up to pee, you strain to relax, you cover your pillow over your head to drown out your partner’s seemingly louder-than-usual snoring and wish it was at least rhythmic.  You channel surf, you play with the volume, you toss and turn again.  This pattern could go on for hours.

And then you realize you’re hungry, and no sleep is going to happen until you do something about that.  So you break the “no food after 8 PM” rule.  When you get up to drag your aching knees downstairs to the kitchen, you will then spark the cat’s interest.  And by the time your belly is somewhat satisfied, said cat will be wreaking havoc in your bedroom as he plays trapeze artist across your furniture, knocking down all your little knickknacks.

Continue reading →

It’s a Sunshine Day!

Posted on by
24

I’m ready to focus on happy things now, and for some reason this old song by the Brady Bunch keeps playing in my head.  And luckily, those little voices have quieted down.  I’ll tell you why this song has special meaning today in a bit, but for now, I’d like to take some time to reminisce about simpler times. 

I’m referring to the world of the Brady Bunch.  Where a fun-filled day meant potato sack races in the backyard.  Where using your Greenbax stamps meant learning to compromise and buying a family TV instead of a sewing machine that would enable you to make groovy clothes.  When a pay phone in the house taught you to limit your phone time and share the house phone with the rest of the family.  Where a broken nose was a life lesson in dating.  And where all your “problems” were resolved in a mere half hour. 

Wouldn’t it be great to have been a part of that?  I mean, BEFORE you found out that the family was closerthanthis when they later published their autobiographies?

Regardless, that saccharin-sweet, if slightly twisted, family unit stood together through thick and thin.  When they needed extra dough, they joined together and entered a talent show, wrote a hokey song about sunshine and walking in the park, put on their finest neon orange and yellow duds and WON the freaking contest.

Well, maybe that’s not as far-fetched as it seems.  Awards are rampant these days, after all.

And though my last few posts have centered around orange people, crying, and crazy fear, it seems ironic that I’ve been nominated for The Sunshine Blogger Award.  Not once, mind you, but twice!  Can I get a whoop whoop?  Or should I just settle for “Groovy”?

It doesn’t matter.  I’m tickled orange.  Marcia’s got nothing on me!

So I’d like to thank  Dawn of April.  She’s a fairly new blogger who shows great promise, and I look forward to watching her blog develop.  She’s real, she’s personal, and she’s a good writer.  A great combination. 

And another big thank you to Stuff I Can’t Put On Facebook’s Blog, another blogger I really enjoy.  You’re going to have to visit her blog to find out what “shit dipped in glitter” means.  Classic–she makes me laugh.

Continue reading →

Tacos, Tostitos, Tequila…Ole!

Posted on by
14

As May 5th draws closer, you may find yourself falling prey to the popular myth that Cinco de Mayo originated because a gringo put a lime in a bottle of Corona and yelled Andale! Andale! Arriba! Arriba!

Not only would you be wrong, but you may have watched a wee too much Speedy Gonzales in your childhood.  Not that there’s anything wrong with that.

Or perhaps you’ve fallen prey to this one:

Most people don’t know that back in 1912, Hellman’s mayonnaise was manufactured in England. The “Titanic” was carrying 12,000 jars of the condiment scheduled for delivery in Vera Cruz, Mexico, which was to be the next port of call for the great ship after New York City.

This would have been the largest single shipment of mayonnaise ever delivered to Mexico from NY.  The ship hit an iceberg and sank, and the cargo was forever lost.

The people of Mexico were crazy about mayonnaise and were eagerly awaiting the delivery, so they were disconsolate at their loss.  Their anguish was so great that they declared it a National Day of Mourning, and they still observe it to this day.

It is known, of course, as Sinko de Mayo.

And if you believed that one, as many people who reported it to Snopes, you may need to slow down on those tequila shots.  C’mon, Rose and Jack would surely have passed all that mayonnaise as they ran out the ship.  And don’t you think James Cameron would have included some great shots of jars of frozen mayonnaise floating in the water?  In 3-D no less?

Continue reading →

Ask The Google Bitch: Why do Facebook Friends Not Speak to You in Public?

Posted on by
18

Better late than never.  The Google Bitch promised a weekly column, but has never been known for her punctuality.  Furthermore, this site owner seems to be rather busy lately and can’t seem to find time to publish a simple post.  Regardless, welcome to the 2nd column in the Ask The Google Bitch series.  If you’re new here and are wondering what this is all about, please refer to her previous column All Your Pantyhose Questions Answered.

And let it be said that this bitch is happy to be able to help all those poor people being forced to wear pantyhose.  This travesty must end.

Yet it’s time to move on to another cause.

The new sanitized question of the week is “Why does someone want to be your Facebook friend when they won’t speak to you in public?”

There were many variations of this question, but the theme is the same.  Web searchers continue to ponder the concept of the Facebook friend as they try to relate the web ”friendship” to the concept of the friend they’ve come to know and love in the fading world known as reality.

The short answer is….you can’t.  The word “friend” is being used a little loosely when it comes to social media.  The definition of the term has, in fact, been broadened in the modern definition.  Dictionary.com provides the following clarity:

Friend (frend) (noun):  1) A person attached to another by feelings of affection or personal regard.  2) A person who gives assistance;  a patron;  a supporter.  3)  A person who is on good terms with another; a person who is not hostile.  4) A person who is a member of the same nation, party, etc.  5) A member of the Religious Society of Friends;  a Quaker.

Continue reading →

Ask The Google Bitch: All Your Pantyhose Questions Answered!

Posted on by
10

It is my honor to introduce to you a new weekly column…a column where your every Google search is analyzed, poked fun of, and eventually answered…in a bitchy kind of way.  Welcome to the first post of the new regular series, ”Ask The Google Bitch”.

So what exactly is a Google Bitch? you may ask.  Well, I’ve deemed her a lady of snark, wit, and yes, a little bit of bitchiness.  She’s the lady that web searchers may eventually come to count on  as she responds to those who type actual questions into their search engines as if it’s a Magic 8 ball, and hope to find the answers they’re seeking.

And somehow those searchers have landed here.

Now in case you’re wondering if the term “Google Bitch” is a product of my own mind, it is.  However, I also find that it’s in Urban Dictionary, because, well, apparently great minds tend to think alike and I do get an urban streak every once in a while.  While I regret not having patented my new buzzword, I’m relieved to find out that it’s pretty much what I intended it to be, so I’ll let the propriety thing go.  Per Urban Dictionary, a Google Bitch is:

1) A researcher of the lowest order.  A person who uses google to accomplish most of their daily work, often a task performed for someone too busy, important, or ignorant to run a google search themselves.

2) A person who is dependent on Google’s ever-growing brand and popularity.  “You’re a Google Bitch when Google straight up owns you, man.”

3) What you become when a friend/family member/co-worker calls you from the road and they don’t have internet access, and they want you to look something up for them. Example:  “What do I look like…your Google Bitch?”

How can I send my problems to her? you may also ask.  Well, you can’t.  She only responds indirectly to those inquisitive souls who took the time to Google their problem and somehow landed here.

But enough of the intro.  Without further adieu, please extend a warm welcome to my alter-ego, Google Bitch, as she taps into unanswered questions, meant to serve those lost souls who arrive here by accident, thus exaggerating this blogger’s  title of expertise in said subject, and conquering the universe that is the world-wide web that we know and love, all the while increasing my blog stats.

Warning:  Google Bitch talks in 3rd person.  She also curses like a sailor at times.  You’ll have to get used to that, but I’ll talk to her about it.

Continue reading →