As I tried to stay cool this past weekend, I found myself watching Magic Mike in the theater and doing anything but escaping the heat.  A theater jammed full of women watching hot shirtless guys on the big screen was the last place to go to avoid perspiring.

I went with my 18-year old daughter, who was eager to see Channing Tatum and Alex Pettyfer.  I went to see Matthew McConaughey.  I realize that rumor has it that he shuns deodorant, but that’s okay.  I can’t smell him on the screen, and I do enjoy listening to that Texas drawl, as the perpetually-shirtless man with the 6-pack abs acts.

Let me just stop you now if you landed here expecting a movie review.  You’re not going to get one from me.  Hell, I’m still not even sure what the movie was about.  I recall many strip scenes, dirty dancing, abs of steel, and ripped muscles.  If there was a plot, I missed it.  And seriously, does it even matter what that movie was about, ladies?  Plots are so over-rated.

On a side note, too bad for Steven Soderbergh that the movie critics seem to all be male.  But we ladies forgive you, Steven, because you bring us the goods with the eye candy.  Keep it up.  And wildly assuming I have your attention, may I ask when Ocean’s 14 is coming out?  I’ve been waiting a while now.

But back to my point, if there even is one.  For like Soderbergh, I know that eye candy brings traffic, so perhaps any point I might make would be moot.  You can just sit here a while and stare at the stud muffins if you like.  My apologies to those who might not appreciate the hunks in these images.  Just scroll on down.

I expected a lot of whoopin’ and hollerin’ in this audience.  The gaggles of talkative women entering the theater (late, yakking on cell phones) was a sign that I was going to get peeved watching this movie.  Yet this audience was pretty silent throughout the movie, which I found amusing.

As I looked around, I saw a variety of ages, from teenagers to grandmas, but this audience was primarily middle-aged women.  With the exception of that one poor man who came with his wife, bless his heart.  Oh, and then there was the woman who came in with an oxygen tank.  I promise that I did not make that up.

Now I only raise the age issue to make my point.

Because I found that McConaughey was not the hunky star in this movie.  Sure, he’s in awesome shape, and he’s hilarious, but his character is a little sleazy, since he’s the manager of the strip club.  Just note the workout attire below.

So I was quite surprised at myself for finding my focus on the younger studs in this flick.  And when the movie was over, I felt a little shame, sprinkled with some guilt, and a little dirtiness on the side.  Sitting next to an 18-year old (MY 18-year old) makes ME feel a little sleazier than McConaughey’s character.

And then I googled their ages:

• Matthew McConaughey,42 - reasonable
• Joe Manganiello, 35 – still okay
• Matt Bomer, 34 – getting marginal
• Channing Tatum, 32 – hmmm
• Alex Pettyfer, 22 – a mere babe, and I could be his mother…yikes.

Does this make me a terrible wife, a bad mother, hot to trot, and officially (gasp) a cougar, I wonder?  Panic ensues, and the obligatory research follows.

The definition of the term cougar seems to vary.  A cougar is an “older” woman (40+) who is primarily attracted to and has sex with significantly younger man.  Young men, usually by 20 years or so, are her exclusive prey.  She is less interested in a relationship than she is the sexual conquest.  She may be married, may be single.  The cougar may even prey on her son’s friends or her daughter’s boyfriends.  She often frequents clubs to find her prey and pounces on them aggressively.

A cougar may also be known as a Mrs. Robinson.  This is a reference to Anne Bancroft’s character in The Graduate, who tried to seduce the fresh-out-of-college Dustin Hoffman, who played Benjamin Braddock.

“Mrs. Robinson, you’re trying to seduce me.”

A more recent reference may be Stifler’s mother from the American Pie movies.

I find myself relieved.  Relieved to not have the “cougar” label.  For me, it’s just eye candy–sweets for the eyes.  Nothing wrong with enjoying watching some male strippers in a movie, no matter how young they may be compared to you.  It’s all in the name of entertainment, right?  And appreciating talent?  And beauty?  And amazingly ripped abs?

But, as usual, web research tends to bring related topics to surface.  I’ve now learned some new terminology, which doesn’t hurt to know when you have teenagers around the house.  I thought I’d share, because if I fail at the humor thing, at least I can be educational.

Other Feline “Definitions”

Puma – Attractive woman in her 20′s or 30′s.  A pre-cougar.

Bobcat - A cougar who only wants to make out and go to 2nd base, perhaps under the guise of staying faithful to her husband.

Jaguar – Same as a cougar but 50 and over. They’re financially stable and looking solely for sex.

Manther – The cougar’s male counterpart; an older man who preys on older women. Also known as a cougar hawk or a cougaholic.

I didn’t find a term for this, but I can only assume that a married woman who preys on these younger men might be coined a cheat-ah.  Ahhh, 2 apologies needed in one day.  So sorry for the bad pun.

I read a lot more, as you can imagine, but I’ll spare you, because it would become a whole new post.  Perhaps my counterpart, the Google Bitch, will be able to cover the rest, and it’s highly probably that she’ll get the chance after this post when the “cougar” searches start coming in.  As for me, I’m still in good standing and have yet to find a term to define women who just enjoy watching hot guys from a distance with nothing ever resulting from it.

So I’ll create my own term.  Perhaps it will catch on.

The Domestic Feline:  This cat is tame, often declawed, and maybe even spayed.  She may be cute, beautiful, ugly, furry, bald, young, or old.  She has a family.   She watches her would-be prey from the window, but she is helpless to do anything about any of it, and isn’t really sure what she would do if she had the chance.  Her wild days are over, if they ever even started.  She could feel remorse about that and wonder if she’s missing something, yet she doesn’t.  She finds solace in having a home, domesticity, and a family she can rely on.  Even that handsome tomcat that stands at the drain pipe cannot make her falter.

But she’s the type that will be very happy when a movie like Magic Mike comes to video.

And she won’t protest when her husband decides he needs a bigger TV.

If you liked this post, you might like The Upside of Getting Older.