If you’re not familiar with how this column works, here’s a quick introduction:

The Google Bitch is a lady of snark, wit, and yes, a little bit of bitchiness.  She’s the lady that web searchers may eventually come to count on as she responds to those who type actual questions into their search engines as if it’s a Magic 8 ball, hoping to find the answers they’re seeking.

And somehow those searchers have landed here.

Not one to miss an opportunity, this bitch responds to such questions, thus increasing her Google-perceived level of expertise in said subject and hopefully moving this site up the Google page rankings.  Brilliant, huh?  This bitch thinks so.

Now on to the question du jour…

My boss found out I’ve been job hunting.

An interesting dilemma.

Venturing a guess, Google Bitch assumes that 1) either a prospective employer has called your current employer for a job reference, 2) you’ve been spotted arriving at or exiting an actual job interview, 3) you were overheard in the hallway on a phone interview 4) you printed your resume copies on the public printer and the rumors are buzzing, or 5) you asked someone to be a job reference for you only to find out that they start their new position next week…as your new boss.

Regardless of how you’ve been discovered, there’s not much you can do about that now.  The word is out, and your boss now knows you are unhappy with your current employment.  And in spite of all the salary increases, incentive bonuses, 401K matches, pension plans, vacation time, group lunches, happy hours, free doughnuts, promotional pens, letter openers and stress balls (or lack thereof) you’ve received to date, you have decided you’d prefer to work elsewhere.

You ungrateful schmuck.

Ok, so it happens.  So now what do you do?  The bigger question that begs an answer is Do you have a job offer on the table?  For it is the answer to this question that will lead you to your own solution.

So what if I’ve already been offered a job?

If you have secured a good job offer, you have no problems.  You are in a perfect negotiating position.  And if your boss can’t get past the fact that you played the corporate field, and is pretty peeved about it, then perhaps that new job may be just what the disgruntled employee ordered.

So I’m stuck here forever.

But if you’re finding that the only place for you on that playing field is in the stands as a spectator, things could get sticky.  And I’m not talking about the boiled peanut juice that’s all over your hands.  [Sorry, Google Bitch is from the South, and boiled peanuts are our "thing", bless this digressing bitch's little heart.]

Now at this point, you can simply cease and desist on the job search, work like a happy cube farm worker, and wait for the pissed-offedness to wear off.  No action required here other than the occasional whistle while you work.

My boss wants to meet with me ASAP.

But if your boss approaches you about your indiscretion, you may have to do some fast talking to turn this all around.  Consider using this time to discuss your career goals, how to make your job better, your shortcomings in the salary area, what really motivates you, blah, blah, blah.  Put a positive spin on it, so that you could possibly be offered something–anything of value.  Something that has convinced you that “all is well”.  Something that has “piqued your interest” and has provided that “motivation” and “job satisfaction” you were “searching for all along”.  Something that has convinced you (or at least your boss) that you are going to “stay at this company until you are 80 and even longer if they’ll allow it”.

Ready to take flight a la Matt Foley

Or at least for another couple of weeks until you get that call from someone who’s got your resume in their hands. [insert evil laugh here]

But I can’t take it anymore.

And now lastly, where are you going to go from here?  Are you planning to continue that job search?  If so, you may want to use a little more discretion.  Google Bitch has graciously provided some free tips on how to seek alternate employment on the down-low:

1. Refrain from telling your co-workers about that great job interview you had yesterday.  You know, the one you went to when you left the office early to “pick up your sick child from school?”  Yeah, that’s the one.
2. A stack of resume paper and a book titled How To Ace The Job Interview and Blow That Taco Stand You Work At  displayed prominently on your desk could attract attention.
3. Likewise, the classified ads with big red circles around the many jobs you’d rather have is not something you should have lying around.  Especially if that red marker you used came out of the supply cabinet.
4. Leaving your resume and cover letter at the company fax machine could prove to be disastrous, especially if your resume states that your career objective is “to secure employment at any place on this f-ing earth other than the current job from Hell that I must face every day of my sordid life”.
5. Beware of those phone interviews in the hallway, where you’re giving elaborate responses to questions like Why do you want to leave your current job? as your co-workers parade by you–slowly–on their way to the restroom.
6. And don’t even think of moving that conversation outside to the smoking area.
7. Publicizing your name/address/current employer on every job search site on the web, including the one your company uses to recruit, might be an invitation for dismissal.
8. And if you do apply for a job from one of those job search sites, be wary if your qualifications are a perfect match to the desired experience for a position you you have your eye on.  No, it’s not eerie, and it’s not fate.  It’s your current employer, dude.  Beware!
9. A lunchtime interview at your co-workers’ favorite deli may not be prudent.
10. An early dismissal + interview clothes is a telltale sign, particularly on Casual Friday.  If you normally go to the office in faded jeans, t-shirt, and Nike’s, they’re going to think something’s up when you enter wearing your freshly pressed dress slacks, collared shirt, and a blazer.  You’re going to have to retain your casualness.  Keep the good duds in the car–but not on a hanger and on display in your backseat window, parked in the middle of the company parking lot.  Clark Kent did the quick change.  So can you.
11. And don’t think you can fool them with the funeral excuse either, regardless of how many tissues you use throughout the day to wipe your crocodile tears.  Besides, the ugly cry should be avoided, because, well, you’ve got that interview at 3:00.
12. The spreadsheet on your monitor that compares the differences between  your current job and the one you’re considering should be well hidden.  Of course, you’re anxious to compare salary and benefits and run through the pro/con list, and you really want to determine how much more that new job will net you each payday after taxes and beer money.  But don’t.  Save that for your when you get home.
13. And finally, avoid the temptation to use your corporate email to correspond about that exciting new position.  Do you really think those IT guys aren’t going through your emails?

In conclusion, this bitch acknowledges the awkwardness of looking for a new job while trying to seem like a conscientious worker at your current place of employment.  In fact, doesn’t everyone?  How many people haven’t been in that position before?  Including your own boss?

Nevertheless,  it’s important to not get your walking papers before you actually get that written job offer. 

Now get back to work.

If you liked this post, you might like Don’t Go To Work Unless It’s Fun.