Staring me down as I scream.
The lizard loathes me.
That’s my first haiku in decades, and I’m sure I could have done better if I had spent some more time on it. Besides, I’m no Jim Morrison. He is, in fact, the Lizard King.
On the contrary, I am irrationally afraid of lizards. Those little evil green creatures have already started scurrying around, making my life miserable. I love summertime, but this is the time of year in which I live in fear.
I realize that this may sound strange to many of you. I know that the point of the lizard’s existence is not to cause personal harm to me. I know that people see them as great creatures to have around, because they eat bugs. I understand that they are supposed to be more afraid of me than I am of them.
Yet I know that not to be true. I am utterly terrified of lizards!
Their mere presence freaks me out. The way they scurry across the sidewalk with their little tails swinging. The way they blend into the scenery, hiding in the bushes until I realize that it’s not a leaf that I see shaking but a raging reptile ready to attack. The way they puff up and blow that orange freak-ish bubble out of their neck. They way that they continue to eyeball me as I back away in fear, daring me to take another step.
Yes, they are truly evil creatures.
This irrational fear of lizards is known as scoliodentosaurophobia. I am comforted by the fact that there is a name for my phobia, because this means that I am not alone. Somewhere in this world, others cower in the same fear that I do. Perhaps a support group will open one day in my area.
Until then, I must learn how to cope with it, because I do live in the Southern region of America, and these things show no sign of extinction. I can’t spray them with bug spray, call an exterminator, or set little lizard traps all over the place. And even if I could, I could not bear to live among lizard corpses.
So in the meantime,
we I must learn to co-exist. This gets me to the point (finally) of this post. I read a suggestion today that piqued my interest and promised to help me overcome my fear. This involves getting used to the little beasts gradually, and then moving on to the next step, until I’m able to actually have a lizard right next to me without pissing in my pants.
First, I’m supposed to put pictures of lizards around me. The more comfortable I get with their visual images, the more comfortable I will be when I actually encounter a lizard. Here we go…
Let’s start with the little green lizards that
watch over stalk my house and greet ambush me around the office building. Note the lizard’s posture below. Is he outstretched toward the sun to bask in its warming rays? Or is he in perfect position to pounce on me when I least expect it? You see basking. I see attack mode. Let me waste no more time on this one, as I feel an urgent need to scroll.
Next is the little lizard that sits, puffing his throat (aka dewlap) out like a big red balloon. Is he mating? Is he threatened? Is he going to explode and shoot red lizard dye all over me as I run off? Scroll, scroll, deep breath, scroll…
Then there’s the dreadful skink. Now if you’ve never seen one of these, let me tell you about them. We had 2 skinks living in my garage for a while. I had no idea what I was hearing rustling around until one day, they both shot out into the open like little bats from HELL! They don’t move slowly. They are not afraid of you (or at least they sure don’t seem to be). And they are bigger than the little green lizard. They come in strange colors. One of our little “pets” had a blue tail, just like this terrifying reptile. I could ramble on, but I’m feeling that strong urge to scroll again, because it’s hard to type when you’re hyperventilating.
Now let me tell you about my last vacation to the Bahamas. I absolutely love the Bahamas, any tropical area really. There’s just one little problem. Okay, let’s make that many big problems. These crazy creatures below are roaming the islands. I almost tripped over one of them on a sidewalk, as he was just sitting there…watching me… taunting me…daring me to take another step. Allow me to introduce to you the Bahama Iguana, as I feel blessed to not have a touch screen. [scrollscrollscrollscrollscrollscrollscrollscrollscrollscrollscrollscrollscrollscrollscrollscroll]
I can’t say I’m any more comfortable with these images than I was before I started this post. Perhaps after they sit on my page, glaring at me from my own private domain, I will become accustomed to their images and can move on to that next step of conquering my fear.
That next step, by the way, is to put a live one in a cage or container that is within my visual range, but not close enough to bother me.
Forget this BS.
At this point, I see only 3 options:
- Discard this post quickly and get these creatures off my site even though I’ve put too much work into it.
- Never visit my blog again.
- Start writing lots of posts really quickly to push them further down the feed so that I don’t have to see them any more.
I guess I could use some motivation to write more frequently.
Does anyone else share my irrational fear of lizards? Or of anything else that others may find strange? Please do share. And if not, feel free to make fun of me.
After all, the lizards do.
If you liked this post, you might like My Uh-Oh Moment.