It is my honor to introduce to you a new weekly column…a column where your every Google search is analyzed, poked fun of, and eventually answered…in a bitchy kind of way.  Welcome to the first post of the new regular series, ”Ask The Google Bitch”.

So what exactly is a Google Bitch? you may ask.  Well, I’ve deemed her a lady of snark, wit, and yes, a little bit of bitchiness.  She’s the lady that web searchers may eventually come to count on  as she responds to those who type actual questions into their search engines as if it’s a Magic 8 ball, and hope to find the answers they’re seeking.

And somehow those searchers have landed here.

Now in case you’re wondering if the term “Google Bitch” is a product of my own mind, it is.  However, I also find that it’s in Urban Dictionary, because, well, apparently great minds tend to think alike and I do get an urban streak every once in a while.  While I regret not having patented my new buzzword, I’m relieved to find out that it’s pretty much what I intended it to be, so I’ll let the propriety thing go.  Per Urban Dictionary, a Google Bitch is:

1) A researcher of the lowest order.  A person who uses google to accomplish most of their daily work, often a task performed for someone too busy, important, or ignorant to run a google search themselves.

2) A person who is dependent on Google’s ever-growing brand and popularity.  “You’re a Google Bitch when Google straight up owns you, man.”

3) What you become when a friend/family member/co-worker calls you from the road and they don’t have internet access, and they want you to look something up for them. Example:  “What do I look like…your Google Bitch?”

How can I send my problems to her? you may also ask.  Well, you can’t.  She only responds indirectly to those inquisitive souls who took the time to Google their problem and somehow landed here.

But enough of the intro.  Without further adieu, please extend a warm welcome to my alter-ego, Google Bitch, as she taps into unanswered questions, meant to serve those lost souls who arrive here by accident, thus exaggerating this blogger’s  title of expertise in said subject, and conquering the universe that is the world-wide web that we know and love, all the while increasing my blog stats.

Warning:  Google Bitch talks in 3rd person.  She also curses like a sailor at times.  You’ll have to get used to that, but I’ll talk to her about it.

                                                                                                                                                                  

Hi, new readers!  Today this bitch will start with addressing the most widely asked questions, which strangely seem to involve pantyhose and tights, most likely due to the posting of  You Can’t Make Me Wear Panthose Again, Kate Middleton.   Google Bitch is in awe of the dilemma regarding what is supposed to be a fashion statement yet seems to cause unending distress for many people.

Yet she’s here to help, with your questions and statements that seem to imply that help is needed.   Today we’ll cover:

• Are pantyhose in/out?
• How to wear pantyhose like Kate Middleton
• She made me wear pantyhose/she makes me wear tights
• Made him wear pantyhose
• Do I have to wear pantyhose?
• How to get women to wear pantyhose
• Would you wear pantyhose for me?
• I like to wear pantyhose
• I can’t wear tights
• Can I wear tights to a wedding?
• I work pantyhose
• I didn’t wear pantyhose today.
• Polish women wear pantyhose
• Does Bob Harper wear tights/Did Bob Harper wear hammer pants?

Are pantyhose in/out?:  Apparently, they’re in, based on search results, but it seems to be a regional thing.  Kate Middleton has made quite a showing in the UK, and as always happens, fashion in the UK trickles down to the US, first in the more fashion-forward states.  As a resider in the deep South, we can expect this “fashion” to hit here around 2016.  However, Google Bitch went to church on Easter Sunday and found some fashion-backward people who still don’t realize it’s passe.  She, in fact, bought some herself for her lily-white legs and then decided to stuff them in the drawer.  There is no objective answer to this.

How to Wear Pantyhose  Like  Kate Middleton:  Big bucks required here.  Kate’s not wearing Legg’s.  C’mon, she’s royalty.

She made me wear pantyhose/she makes me wear tights:  This bitch is concerned about who is asking this question and has come down to 2 possible prospects:  1) The 10-15 year daughter being required by Mom to wear hose with her short dress, or 2) The wimpy-ass man whose Significant Other is some sort of sadist who gets off on seeing his/her man in nylons.

To the girls…send your Mom to this page right now, so she will know that this is indeed a form of child abuse.  You don’t need the added pressure, girls.  Your mom knows not what she speaks of and should pick her battles.  This Google Bitch will let her know that forced fashion will not be tolerated.

To the others being required to wear pantyhose or tights, the answer is a little more complicated.  Perhaps professional counseling is in order.  Does your Significant Other demand more crazy things from you than wearing pantyhose?  Do you have a collar around your neck and are forced to eat your dinner from a dish on the floor in the kitchen next to the trash cans?  What happens once you wear the hose?  Do you put them on yourself or does your “other” do it?  Are you punished if the hose get a run?  Is your Significant Other really that significant if you’re googling such problems in the wee hours of the night?  If you find this to be a probleem, Google Bitch says to grow some you-know-what and get over it.

Then again, extensive web-searching has caused this bitch to add in something that you may not be prepared for…or maybe you are.  Apparently, there are now “mantyhose”.   They’re the same crap we women have been buying from drugstores for years, yet they have (get this) a little Y-front for their man parts!

Made him wear pantyhose:  YOU are the one that’s making your Signifcant Other wear hosiery.  Perhaps you’re the woman in the above inage?  Get over yourself.

And then again, Google Bitch breaks (in her first blog post ever!) her #1 grammar rule by using the Facebook acronym, OMG!  Refer to next “Mantyhose” picture below.

Do I have to wear pantyhose?:  Hell, no.  There’s no law requiring it, as far as Google-land is concerned.  Fashion police do not really exist.

How to get women to wear pantyhose: Tough one, since they’re really not comfortable.  All Google Bitch has is 1) pay for them, 2) make it worth her while, and 3) try wearing them for a day yourself so you get WHY she hates wearing them.  Then again, it’s doubtful that will help your case, especially keeping the accompanying images in mind.

Would you wear pantyhose for me:?  No, Google Bitch will not wear pantyhose for you…whoever you are that typed that into a search engine.

I like to wear pantyhose:  Then by all means, wear them. And the problem is?

I can’t wear tights:  Do you really want to?  And why can’t you?  Google can’t help unless it knows why, and Google Bitch has an enquiring mind, therefore needing to know.  Regardless, the answer is “then don’t”.

Can I wear tights to a wedding?:  Well, you’re not going to be kicked out of the wedding for doing so.  You may be talked about though if you’re wearing cheap, generic hose in the shade of “suntan” on your pasty white skin.  Then again, if your legs are hairy, bruised, scaly, or just flat-out ugly, then yes, you should definitely wear tights.  The wedding party will be appreciative.

I work pantyhose:  I feel pretty sure this is Kate Middleton.  Kate, tell Prince William I said hi and if you guys could do a quick interview for us, we here in the U.S. might stop complaining about our taxes.  Oh yeah, that’s all over, isn’t it?

Anyway, for the record, this bitch has learned that Kate wears John Lewis ‘Barely There’ non-slip tights.  They will probably run like a mad chicken with it’s head cut off, but she can afford for them to be disposable.

I didn’t wear pantyhose today:  This bitch didn’t wear them today either!

Polish women wear pantyhose:  Filed under “good to know”.

Does Bob Harper wear tights?:  Oddly enough, there are a lot of inquiries on what type of pants Bob Harper wears, and tights are included in many of these inquiries.  At the confusion of Google Bitch, lots of Googler’s are on the search for Bob Harper’s pants.   This blogger has never written of  Bob Harper, but  this bitch can’t find any evidence of pantyhose or tights-wearing habits in Mr. Harper’s history.  Runners do sometimes wear a form of tights, and there is a selection of Team Bob t-shirts on Amazon though.  Otherwise, this image is available, which shows no indication of feminine hosiery.

So Miss Google Bitch is ready to exit while saying ”Crap” and tries to evaluate why she’s been deemed the expert in hosiery when clearly the fashion world has left her in its literal skid marks.

On the flip side, stay tuned next week as this bitch tackles a completely new topic and attempts to decipher what the hell is going on in this world that surrounds us.