Today the calendar changes and we must now remember to write 2012 rather than 2011.  You know what that means.  After a month of excess of pretty much everything, this means it is time to reflect on the highs and lows of the past year and look forward to becoming a new, improved version of ourselves for 2012.  

But as I find myself “couching it” on this particular New Years Day, I also find myself trying to avoid all the self-help programs aimed at making me become a better me. From P90-X to Zumba, from diet pills to shaker weights, from lifestyle facelifts to Cindy Crawford’s skin care system, I’m forced to face constant reminders of the loser I have apparently let myself become.  I find it ironic that last month, I was supposed to buy Forever Lazy Footed Pajamas, but this month the push is on for Nautilus equipment. No wonder my head is spinning.

Thank goodness for Hoarding:  Buried Alive, which has provided a much-needed confidence boost.

This all has me thinking, however, that maybe there IS room for improvement.  Maybe January 1 is the day to start.  Or maybe January 2 would work better at this point in the game.  After all, I find myself a day late and a dollar short in pretty much everything, so why should this be any different? 

So I did what anyone with an inquisitive mind does when faced with a hurdle that must be overcome…

I turned to Google for answers.

Lo and behold, there was an E-How article detailing how to make New Year’s resolutions and stick to them.  Actual step-by-step instructions to guide me every step of the way.  How convenient!  What would I have done without this sage advice?  And luckily for me, the difficulty level is moderately easy.  Maybe there’s hope for me yet.

Pardon my sarcasm.  I just am a little baffled that anyone actually needs detailed instructions on how to write New Year’s resolutions.  Do people really make a written list? Does anyone really even remember their resolutions two weeks into January?  And why is this only moderately easy and not considered painfully obvious?  Are there really that many Googlers seeking out this information?  And if so, how can I capitalize on this? 

Considering that there are some who need a warning on their coffee cup that the water is hot and could burn them, I decided to jump on the bandwagon and create my own list of painfully obvious tips for New Year’s resolutions.  And maybe in doing so, I will help myself as well and decide to make my own improvements. 

How To Make New Year’s Resolutions

Difficulty Level = Extremely easy

You’ll Need:  Paper, pen, common sense, and an ability to find humor in a list that may not actually be funny

1. Pull out several sheets of paper, as this may take a while.  Resolve to change everything.  I mean EVERYTHING.  Resolve to lose weight, to quit smoking, to stop gossiping, to stop swearing.  Resolve to find a spouse or get rid of the one you have if you must.  Resolve to donate to charity, go to church more often, or even go to the movies.  Resolve to be a better person, to purge those who need purging, or to slap those who refuse to be purged.  Resolve to de-clutter your life, your home, your closet, your, computer, or just your purse.  Resolve to blog more often, write more Facebook statuses, send more game invites, post more 80′s YouTube videos, publish more Tweets, bombard others with advertising, share your reviews, and become a general social media nuisance.  You get the point.  Take everything to the next level – to the extreme, even.  Just throw them all out there and see what sticks. 
2. No goal is too big, so aim for perfection and extreme happiness.  You have just as much of a shot at winning the lottery as anyone else. 
3. Announce your resolutions to everyone.  After all, how else will anyone know you’re a failure when you break them?
4. Throught the year, review your list of resolutions and evaluate your progress.  And if you can still find your list, mark that down as a success.
5. If you find yourself breaking resolutions, don’t be too hard on yourself.  Dust yourself off and get back on track. 
6. If you find that you can’t get back on track, you probably really don’t care any more.  Take your list, scratch off 2012 and replace it with 2013.  No one else really cares anyway.

You may wonder what I’ve resolved to change for 2012.  Most likely you don’t, but in an effort for closure, here’s what I’ve decided.  You see, a few years ago, I resolved to skip the above process and no longer make any New Year’s resolutions. 

And I’m not about to break it now.  It’s the only one that has stuck.